Monday, January 21, 2008

It Sums Up Last Semester Nicely

This was the first assignment I wrote for my Short Shorts class. He said to write an experimental play and this was all I could come up and this was how I felt about writing for a long time.


No Regrets, No Apologies

CHARACTERS
MEN 1-1500: Men of every age, race, shape, and size. All of them are wearing slippers.
THE AUTHOR: A bland-looking, forgettable male, preferably with a widow’s peak.
ROBOTS 1-1500: Silver robots similar to those of older Sci-Fi films.

Open Curtain. MEN 1-9 and THE AUTHOR are sitting in a spacious room with a fireplace. Spotlight on MAN 1, knitting a scarf.

MAN 1: I have several ideas about God and love.

MAN 2: It’s too bad that no one wants to hear them.

MAN 3: Do you think we’re going to be OK?

MAN 4: I’m not sure…maybe we should ask him.

MAN 4 gestures stage right to THE AUTHOR, seen in the fetal position while writing thinly veiled autobiographies.

MAN 5: Well, are we going to be OK?

THE AUTHOR: I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I know that MAN 1 has several ideas about God and love that nobody will ever hear.

MAN 8: You are a massive failure and have doomed us all.

THE AUTHOR: Where are 6 and 7?

MAN 9: They joined the choir.

THE AUTHOR: There’s a choir in this play?

THE AUTHOR gestures stage left as MAN 6, MAN 7, and MEN 10-1499 burst through the door with wide smiles and yellow robes on.

MEN 6, 7, 10-1499: [singing]
It is right to give Him thanks and praise
I will worship Him for all my days
Even when I cannot write
Lord I ask you shine a light

THE AUTHOR: This all seems a bit unnecessary.

MAN 4: It is.

MAN 5: Why aren’t we using elevated diction?

MAN 8: What do you mean?

MAN 5: You know, like in France and stuff. Maybe it’s just a translation thing. I don’t know.

MAN 3: We don’t know because the author doesn’t know.

MAN 1500: Does anyone want to go fishing?

ALL: NO!

THE AUTHOR: I don’t remember creating Man 1500.

MAN 4: I think we’re going to be OK.

Man 5: No, you don’t.

MAN 1368: This play could use more set pieces. Maybe some quirky talking animals too.

THE AUTHOR: I can do that. Talking animal set pieces.

THE AUTHOR writes something down and three lions have a conversation about the merits of internet dating. Clouds appear and disappear in the background for no reason.

MAN 2: Do your classmates hate you?

THE AUTHOR: A few. Most people are pretty indifferent.

MAN 29: Well, they’re sure going to hate you now.

THE AUTHOR high-fives MAN 29. Several things you’d expect to see in an experimental play appear in the background. ROBOT 14 enters stage left.

ROBOT 14: Is there room for me in this?

THE AUTHOR: Why not?

MAN 1: I have several ideas about God and love.

THE AUTHOR: No, you don’t.

Robots 1-13, and 15-1500 slaughter MEN 1-1500. ROBOT 14 shrugs indifferently, and gives THE AUTHOR a hug. ROBOTS 1-13, 15-1500 develop a new robot society in front of the audience, open a furniture store, have an identity crisis, start listening to Bruce Springsteen, move to Oklahoma City, return to the stage, and beg THE AUTHOR to kill them after several years of growing bitter and depressed. THE AUTHOR seems eager but unable to do so, and goes to sleep instead.

ROBOT 643: God is dead.

ROBOT 14: He’s just asleep.

ROBOT 643: Oh.

ROBOT 2: What do we do now?

ROBOT 36: Maybe we should start a farm and forget our troubles.

ROBOT 14: I think Candide ended that way.

ROBOT 82: Fuck. What’s a Candide?

THE AUTHOR mumbles something about fear of the future in his sleep, startling THE ROBOTS, who begin running in circles.

ROBOT 14: Everything will be OK. It’s true because I believe it and I’m not going to worry about it.

ROBOT 1500: That’s probably the best explanation we’re going to get. Let’s move back to Oklahoma City.

THE ROBOTS exit, carrying the 1500 human corpses with them. THE AUTHOR wakes up, eats cereal, and looks up when he notices that he is alone, smiles, and starts writing again. Fade to black.


Daft Punk - Human After All (Sebastian Remix)

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